How I Helped Myself Heal After My Mother’s Death
“Every soul will taste death, and you will only be given your [full] compensation on the Day of Resurrection. So he who is drawn away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise has attained [his desire]. And what is the life of this world except the enjoyment of delusion.” 3:185
There will come a time that someone we love dearly like our parents will face death before our own eyes. It is, after all, the normal order of events in this world. In my case, I lost my father barely two months before my highschool graduation; and, my mother died early 2016. Losing both of my parents were indeed the most difficult tragedies I faced in my life.
And I may sound so clichéd, but I will say it anyway. No matter how hard it is for us to let go and move on, we just have to. There is no other way but to heal the broken heart.
Before anything else, I have to clarify that I prepared myself for my mother’s demise years before her death when we learned about her illness. In fact, she helped me prepare myself. But when she left me, I was left broken, alone and clueless. With my experience, I hope what I did in this trying time will help you.
Here are the things I did to make myself feel better during the trying time:
No matter how prepared I think I was, I was wrong. So, I accepted it.
I accepted the fact that I wasn’t prepared no matter the conditioning I did on myself. I didn’t hide my sorrow. When I felt like crying, I cried. When I felt like being alone, I find myself a comfy place. When I felt like meeting people, I go out. I did everything that I felt I needed to make me feel better.
I left the place where I spent the last painful days with my mom.
With that acceptance of my sorrow, I know that I cannot handle being in a place that constantly reminds me of her just yet. So, I moved after two days from her demise. I spent the next two weeks with my aunt and cousins. It is during this week that I had to try my best. I had to indulge myself in a lot of reading, watching anything on Youtube and spending time with my family – just so I can cope.
I clung onto my best friends and people who loved me.
My company helped me a lot with my healing. Whenever I feel I needed someone to talk and cry to, I call my friends even in the middle of the night. They will just be silent on the other side of the phone while I cry or talk on the other side. To the people who listened to me, I cannot be thankful enough. To my parents’ friends and our family who were always there for me, I appreciate your presence and care.
I bought tickets to Malaysia and Singapore three days after my mom died.
My mother told me before that when her mother died, she went to Brunei to distress. I did just the same. Although my travel was on September and she died March, the fact that I was looking forward to something helped me forget the pain.
I traveled a lot.
Thanks to my 2016 travel buddies: Jurfaida, Honyn, Ms. Meg, Shea, Syahira, Lia, Jamila and my co-fellows in WIEF for being amazing. You helped me a lot by making my travels fun and worth remembering from island-hopping around Tawi-Tawi to road-tripping in Mindanao, roaming by myself in Kuala Lumpur and learning more about business in Singapore during WIEF Young Fellows.
I read, studied and learned various things that interest me.
From Basic Mandarin, Data and Analytics, Luxury and Fashion, Advanced Excel, Fundamentals of Islamic Economics to Nipongo, I catered my free time on learning and adding value to my expertise. I don’t quite enjoy reading fiction, so I dwelt with textbooks and inspirational books. Don’t Be Sad by Dr. Al-Qarni helped me a lot, too.
I gave more.
My mother was a very generous person. She would always have portion of our budget to be given to the people in need – may they be our family, friends or just a random stranger. My father was like that, too. in fact more than that. Although, I give something at times, I never was able to compete against the generosity of my parents.
When they died, I clung into the memories of them being generous with the blessings they receive. Whenever I give something to others, I feel the presence of my parents. And when I did so, it makes me want to give more. And I don’t just give things now. I make excessive duas.
Lastly and most importantly, I poured all of my emotions, heartbreak and sadness during the sujood.
In fact, I already memorized the numerous duas I say during sujood. I make mention of them whenever I am on my final prostration for each prayer. Of course, my parents are always number one on my list. (May their sins be forgiven and may they be granted Jannatul Firdaus. Allahumma ameen.)
You have no idea how long I stay on the sujood position before I end each prayer. Moreover, just like what I said above, I now give more. And, that includes my duas. Now, I make dua for every person on earth. I mention the people I remember in my duas. This made me crave more for the next prayer.
Of course, we all have different ways of coping with a trial. Mine was a bit expensive because of the trips I made. In fact, I only have a dime or two in my bank account. But, I didn’t mind since I gained a lot from those trips aside from healing myself. They also brought a lot of realizations to me. And I can always earn money.
If you are currently in the process of mending yourself, may Allah SWT heal you fast. And may he grant Jannatul Firdaus to the people who have gone home to Him before us.