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A Year of Ignorance

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem.

Assalamu Alaikum.

I have been wearing the hijab ever since I can remember. I have been a hijabi even before I started school. So I presumed that I was probably three or four when I started being a hijabi. My cousins and mother told me that I was so jealous of them wearing such magnificent clothing. One day, I demanded my very own turung (scarf).

This is my hijab story. Actually, I’ve thought about whether I would write about this or not for a thousand times (okay, exaggeration).

Truth is, I can’t really remember the feeling of wearing the hijab for the first time since I have been wearing it almost all my life. But I bet it was an amazing feeling to finally be able to don the hijab after asking my mother for it. Just like when a kid asks for a lollipop and finally she gets it.

Being a born Muslim and with a family that embraced a total way of life as stated in the Qur’an and Sunnah, I had no other lifestyle to live. However, despite all the teachings laid down on me, I still didn’t know why I was doing this and that. To top everything up, being a hijabi all my life, as a teenager, I was wondering how life would be any different when I live just like my other friends.

There was a point in time when I wanted to experience how it is to let down your hair, to wear tshirts, to go out, well, without hijab. For someone who has not experienced such things, I was really ecstatic to try living that kind of life. It went for about a year that I wore the hijab on and off. That was the time when hijab is just like a shawl worn on the neck in Iligan City. Everywhere you look, it is the scenario. So, I went with the flow. I wore the hijab like a shawl, feeling like I have the most beautiful hair even though it is not. I thought that it was okay to just keep the scarf that way. I mean, everybody is doing it. I was definitely wrong.

My mother was always reminding me of the beauty of hijab and that I cover properly. She did not force me to live the same life again though. She did it all with love and patience. I am glad she did. Had she scolded me like how others discipline their children, I would have rebelled even more. I think she knew my attitude and how to persuade me. Mothers indeed know best.

People from my hometown were already gossiping that I flipped my hijab already. I was hearing a lot of stories. But, I did not give a thing. I still went on. It was my life. After a while, I was contemplating at how this lifestyle sucked. I was beginning to feel disgust about myself. I even thought that I should probably pray tahajjud every night for the rest of my life to repent for my sins. I took everything slowly. It was all a gift from Allah – the eye-opening.

After that, I began stalking Muslim bloggers such as Kimdonesia (I wonder how she is and if she’s still an atheist today), Zaufishan, Shea Rasol, Maria Elena, Sha Elaiza, and many many more. They actually made me realize the kind of life that I really wanted, that my hair and arms are so precious, that I need to wear loose clothes again. Alhamdulillah, it was a lot easier for me to bring back my previous hijabi lifestyle. Apparently because it was the life that suits me.

I had taken a lot of steps of getting back my lifestyle. I removed all my photos on Facebook and blogs and other social networks. I used my old scarves again fulltime. I let go of my tshirts. Most of them, I hijabified.

I also started blogging more about Islam. It helped me a lot to collect and regain myself. It was then that I became a fulltime Muslim blogger. Alhamdulillah. I began having Muslim friends all over the world. It was such a joy. You can just imagine the transition when I decided to wear the hijab correctly again.

Until now, I have struggles with the hijab, who doesn’t? I am taking everything a step at a time. I have been in the position where I rushed into a decision, but I went astray. And I would not want that to happen ever again. My hijab is for me, for my Creator – not for everybody else’s judgment.

We all have our own set of weaknesses. And I am trying my hardest in transforming those weaknesses into strength. It is probably one of the thousand reasons why I came up with this website. Alhamdulillah.

That one year of loosing the hijab, though bad, is special for me.

Because, it was through that year that I realized the beauty of modesty and hijab. All good and bad things came from Allah. And I thank Him for every waking moment he gives me today to be able to repent for all of my sins.

To all the Muslim parents who are having a hard time with their children, be as subtle as my mom, but never surrender on reminding your children. Keep feeding them with Islamic knowledge. And always be there for them if they are undergoing the same stage I was. Every struggle has its purpose. We can only appreciate light if we have gone through darkness.

Written by

Kai Darul is a 20-something accountant, blogger and occasional speaker from Tawi-Tawi, Philippines. On her free time, she blogs about her life, interior design, finance, personal development and Islam. She loves exploring and learning new things. You can find her at <a href='http://kaidarul.com'>kaidarul.com</a>.